Dismantling Internalised Racism

 For too long, POC have been told and made to feel like that in order to exist in predominantly white spaces, we must conform to their ways; therefore, erasing parts of our identities and culture. This is where a big part of internalised racism comes into play. Internalised racism is a huge, layered problem that many POC face. It can take a long time to unlearn those levels of self-hatred and to navigate through that intensity of identity crisis.

Like I said, internalised racism is extremely layered and so it’s not easy to put one universal meaning on it. It’s different for everyone but the crux of it is the self-loathing due to one’s race/culture. For some people, it’s the physical attributes of their race. For some, it’s the stereotypes placed on that race/culture. Internalised racism ranges in how it affects different POC but the one thing that remains true is the impact society has on those intrusive, hateful thoughts against oneself.

Growing up, I experienced internalised racism to a certain degree. It can be difficult liking certain music or being a fan of certain tv shows/movies when these things were focusing on giving platforms to white people and drawing in predominantly white audiences. It meant that I ended up ignoring parts of my culture that would bring me joy/that I love in order to appease the intrusive thoughts that told me “you’ll only be accepted if you conform to their ways”. So, I did. I began going as Priy rather than Priyanka to make it easier for the white people that would butcher the pronunciation of my name. I stopped listening to the Bollywood music that I adored. I pushed away the things from my culture that I knew made me happy, just so I could feel like I deserved to take up room in these spaces and fandoms. When you’re young and surrounded by mostly people that don’t even look like you; you’ll want to do whatever you can to lessen the feeling of sticking out like a sore thumb. When you’re not seeing people like you being celebrated in mainstream media, of course you’re not going to feel like you deserve to be celebrated; particularly when you’re so young and vulnerable.

Dismantling your own internalised racism is a long and arduous task. It can take years. For some people, it may never go away. The thing that helped me with dismantling my own internalised racism? Coming out nearly eight years ago. When I came out, I was terrified. I’d not long lost my mum, so I already felt isolated, and I knew that coming out as LGBTQ+, especially as a Brown skinned girl, wasn’t going to make my life any easier. However, in coming out and navigating through accepting that part of me – I also found myself learning to embrace my Indian identity and culture once again.

Being able to be in a place where I know that I have not only defeated that internalised racism, but I am also incorporating my culture into the majority white spaces brings me unadulterated joy. Wearing things that represent my desi culture (like bindis) to places I would have once felt embarrassed or scared to do that is a feeling like no other. It’s joyful being able to pick up a book that’s written for or about Queer, Brown people and knowing that I am seen, heard and don’t have to hide in the shadows or push away a part of my identity.  Listening to the music that makes me happy, watching the movies that remind me of my childhood or discovering new artists that are also Indian and also celebrate different parts of their identity are all things that did and continue to help me in knowing how special my identity is.

To my fellow POC who may be struggling with internalised racism: I see you, I hear you and I’m here for you. It’s not an easy thing to deal with and I can’t guarantee it’ll go away fully or at all but I promise you: you’re beautiful and incredible as you are. Your identity is yours alone and deserves to be celebrated. They may make you feel like you have to change and conform; but you don’t. Individualism is key and every individual should be celebrated as they are.