Blogmas Day Two - Coping With Grief Over Christmas

Everyone always talks about how Christmas is a time for loved ones to get together and to celebrate what’s most important; family. However, if you’ve lost someone close to you, the Christmas season can be particularly tough, especially if you’re used to having them around during Christmas or if your festive memories all include them.

Five and a half years ago, I lost my Mum after her 12 year long battle with cancer. Growing up, she was always – and still is – my biggest inspiration. Every treatment she faced, she’d do so with a smile and a fighting spirit. I was always really close to my Mum growing up, but I was also very used to her being in and out of hospital and naturally, it was always very difficult.

When we lost my Mum, my whole world changed and I finally knew what it meant when people said that bereavement is like someone turned the lights off in the world. It was as though everything became duller and it was as though someone had switched something off in me because suddenly I felt disconnected from everything and everyone.

The first Christmas after my Mum died (six months later), my Dad, brother and I travelled to India to scatter her ashes as per her request. Looking back, it was probably a good thing that we were away from home during Christmas and New Years because I’m not sure I’d have been able to cope with being in England during Christmas time when everyone was celebrating and I didn’t see the point in it, or in anything.

As time passed and more Christmases approached, I found myself wanting to bring that festive joy back into my family home. I found myself wanting to have a tree up again and decorating the house how my Mum would have wanted it. I found myself wanting to bring back the Christmas Day traditions into the house. Even though the grief was still there, it was turning into a want to keep my Mum’s memory alive through the things she loved.

Christmas is still one of the most difficult times for me in terms of grief and coping with it. The family house we have now was bought after my Mum had passed so although she never got a chance to live in it, it still feels as though she should be there. When I’m at home during Christmas, I make sure to do the things she would have done. Getting the tree up, buying all the food, puddings and chocolates to make sure we could fill our bellies during the festive season. I’ll make sure that presents are bought, that decorations are up and that there’s Christmas crackers ready.

This isn’t a piece where I’m telling people what they should be doing or how they should be coping with grief over Christmas. Instead, it’s a piece on how I cope and what I like to do during Christmas. Some people may prefer going on holiday during the season so they’re away from home during the festivities. Others may be like me and would want to celebrate it, the way their loved one once did.

With Christmas Day just a matter of days away, I know that this year will be exactly the same. I’ll wake up early and be the first one awake in the house. I’ll wake everyone up (because I’m still a child), we’ll all go downstairs and the day will start with breakfast, presents and a Christmas film on T.V. We’ll have our Christmas dinner, eating copious amounts of chocolate throughout the day and watch all the Christmas TV and films. It’ll be like it always was when I was growing up, but there’ll be one very big hole in my heart.

Like life, Christmas comes and goes but swimming through the grief during a holiday season, feels like you’re swimming against a strong tide. I’m normally okay at keeping my head above water; I can normally cope with the grief that is still there, but during holidays like Christmas, there’s no denying that it becomes harder, but I know that just means I must swim harder and keep my Mum’s memory alive and celebrate how she would want us to.